More to give

It’s 10p.m. on a Saturday night. I’m blogging from the middle of my oversized bed, with my oversized comforter, oversized pillows, and two oversized dogs under the bed. I feel so small. I feel small in a big world. A world I had been moving along quite quickly in up until last year. Dancing a little slower now.

Most twenty-something year old girls are probably doing what twenty-something year old people do on a hoppin’ Saturday night. They’re probably at a bar, movies, maybe a club, on dates, even a few getting married tonight. Time of their lives. Good for them, really.

Scoop me up out of my life and place me in a club now: awkward alert. I would have no idea what to do, what to talk about, who to talk to. Who’s that girl in the corner? The one who looks like she has paranoid schizophrenia. Me.

The first wedding I attended after my life fell apart. I was going to actually see people. Face to face. I hadn’t looked at my own face in what felt like months. Some people had no idea of what had happened. And I was still heavily depressed and suffering from general anxiety disorder day after day. This was going to be a big weekend for me to handle. A learning experience. Just another first right? I was the weird, antisocial girl. At the reception, a guy in his late twenties came up to me sitting alone, my eyes still bulging red from crying in the bathroom stall. Out of nowhere I hear, “So are you dating anyone?” I turned to him with a look that forcedAre we being serious right now? across my forehead, and kindly said, “No. I am going through a divorce.” Taken back he backed up, looked at me and said, “Wow. That’s weird. The only people I know who are divorced are my parents’ age.” It took a few days to remove the fist that had been punched in my gut that night.

I have to say though, I learned a lot this weekend. And not just the average age of divorcees as I was introduced to by that charming fellow. My eyes were opened by this couple, in their twenties as well. They had something figured out that I missed out on my first time around that circus. I couldn’t put a word on it, but I was more than happy and grateful for them. And I wanted it too.

People who are close enough to feel comfortable asking me this have asked: Does it make you sad when you see your friends dating? Happily getting married? Having babies? My answers could have been a little different during my Dark Ages. I couldn’t so much as think of a white dress without throwing up. I don’t feel like that anymore. Just because my world stopped, that doesn’t mean everyone else’s did too. There is still love, moments happening for everyone else. Those special times. That’s life. I am happy for my friends to experience the milestones. I can celebrate with them now.

I think most people look at the situation I’m in and think it’s a shame I’ve lost my twenties. If I hadn’t gone through this, and if I was at a bar tonight, maybe I would think that of somebody who’s laying in bed blogging too, who knows.

I don’t know how to reiterate enough that this is not the case. I do not feel as if I’ve lost out. It couldn’t be further from the truth and how I feel about my life. I absolutely love my life. There’s nothing better than knowing that my little man is sound asleep in the room next to mine, dreaming his happy dreams, cuddling his green silky blankie, under my own roof. On my street. In my neighborhood. Holden’s future’s memories.

But also, it is during these quiet nighttime minutes I think about my future. What God has in store for my life. For Holden’s life. When it comes to someone special for me.

If I had a penny for every time I have heard someone say, “Well, when you are ready to date, I know this great guy…” and yada yada yada. I’d have quite the busting piggy bank. Or elephant bank with green polka dots like the one atop Holden’s dresser.

Here’s my thing. How I think now. July 13th, 2012. No one wants to be alone.  No one wants to be in an oversized bed alone, with overstuffed pillows, on a Saturday night. Feeling small. I would love to have a loving husband by my side. But I am not going to throw around the H word lightly.

Am I ready to meet new people? Sure. Am I ready to date? Probably not. I do not have time or energy. I probably am telling myself that too. But I do have an open mind.

It’s not just me anymore. It’s two for the price of one. Holden and me. People tend to judge single mothers I’ve come to realize. Oh, she’s just looking for a father for that child. I can’t exactly say if I agree or disagree with that judgment. I know for me, if I were to allow someone special to come into my life, he would most definitely be coming into Holden’s as well. I wouldn’t allow anyone to do thatwithout some type of fatherly qualities. It’s just not going to happen. I will only expose Holden to a good influence. And I’m sure as hell not going to bring people in and out of his life every now and then. I was a psychology major. I know what that does to kids. Not to mention, Holden and I have a pretty sound routine going on.

Anyone who knows me on Facebook knows that I’m a fan of the current Bachelorette Emily Maynard. She is a single mom. (Also blonde hair, brown eyes, around 5’2, but who’s comparing?…Can I be her?) She has vocally come on to the show saying that she is looking for someone who can be both a husband and a father. Her daughter’s father is deceased, so she has no father. But, it’s pretty bold to say out loud that he has to be ready to be a father. You go girl.

All I’m trying to say is this. I’m not ready for a relationship, but yes, I hope for one. I want to be married. I don’t want to be alone. But, it’s going to have to be somebody special though. (I think Samantha Tebow has a ring to it, don’t you?) At the same time, if it doesn’t happen, that will be okay too. I won’t sulk. I will still be fine laying in the middle of my oversized bed, at least I don’t have to fight for leg room.

But, I do wish this. And I pray this. If that somebody special does end up coming into my life, I hope sooner rather than later. Not for selfish reasons, not to rush either. But, Holden’s life is moving forward. He is getting smarter every day. Growing every minute. I would love for someone to be able to experience this, rather than have to be told about it later while having to earn his friendship.

I can’t tell the future. I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t know who will come into my life, or who may come back into my life. I don’t know if I’ll get married again. But what I do know is that there’s a lot left to give of this heart of mine.

Tim Tebow if you’re reading this, holla at me.


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