Balance

It’s something I used to pride myself on before Holden and before the divorce. I feel as though I have obtained or enhanced a few great qualities since then as explained, yet the balance? Completely downhill. Though, my dad says balance is something that is unachievable when there are children in the picture. I think I agree with this because Holden is my everything- my number one priority and it imbalances everything else. I will literally drop everything no matter what it is if he needs me. I guess many parents feel that way right? Goodbye balance.

So often I hear “balance is key” coming from people of success. Is it though? You’re really good at what you do, i.e. your career, and everything else in life is just peachy? I guess some people just get lucky.

For me, being good at something usually takes effort on my side. I’ve always admired people who didn’t have to study and would still ace a college exam- that is definitely something they have been blessed with. But I really admired those people who would bust their ass in the library for days before (You know who you are because I was in the cubicle next to you.) A for effort in my book of admiration. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I like to see people who use what God gave them to enhance their potential.

So, I work at things. I give effort. After my Dark Ages faded into the late fall and early winter this last year, it was time to figure out what my future was going entail as far as myself went. Super apprehensive to begin anything as I was still in a fragile state suffering from depression and generalized anxiety disorder, so I took my time. An opportunity somewhat fell right into my lap. I had never considered real estate before. Sure, I thought it’d be a fun ‘job’ taking people to shop for a house. Little did I know there’s a lot more to it! Anyway, I realized that during a point in my life when just passing time was a difficult task, looking for a new place to live- to begin a new life for myself and Holden together- was in fact a positive experience amidst one overwhelmingly sad situation. So I considered it for that reason alone, of course knowing that the people I’d be working with would probably be in situations less drastic than mine… but you never know! Nonetheless, I’d be working with people. I had barely talked to people let alone worked aside them in months. I had been hibernating. So, I knew it’d be good for me because I’d have to force myself to talk again.

I didn’t want to dive right in though. Slowly I began. I took the online course across 3 months and was able to not miss anything with Holden. I’d put him down for bed and hop on the computer to focus. Focusing on something other than my divorce and past life really, really helped me. It motivated me. Motivation that I really hadn’t felt yet. I was doing something for myself. I have always loved to learn new things, and I was entering this real estate world knowing nothing from the beginning. So it was exciting.

My business now has been picking up recently and I’m really excited about it. Excited for this new journey. At the same time, I feel that it poses another imbalance. I’ve always considered myself an over-achiever. Mediocrity was just never my thing. This totally sounds egotistical but hear me out. I do not have many talents (‘but being a mom is one thing I’m good at,’ to quote one of my favorites Emily Maynard), so if I do what I need to be good at something and attain that talent that I wasn’t born with, then I want to go all the way. I am a ‘go-getter.’ I want to know it all, do it all, and do it well. I want to fulfill that potential that was instilled in me. I feel this way about anything. In friendships, in the social world, in work.

Like anyone who works and has a family, it’s an ongoing struggle to maintain the balance between the two. For me, because I’m the only one at home with my child, it’s an even bigger struggle, and an even bigger one since I am a hard worker. But, how can I focus on succeeding at work during times when Holden looks at me with those big grey-blue eyes and goofy smile?

I don’t know my future. I don’t know where my career will go, and I don’t know if I will have more kids. I’d like to think the best about both of the two. But, Holden’s my ‘for sure’ right now. He’s the biggest contributor to my imbalance. In a good way. I just want to make sure I don’t miss anything. If he is in fact my only child, these milestones may only come across once. Not just the milestones, but everything. Every time he looks at me to explain something he doesn’t understand. Every time he sees a truck drive by and yell ‘GO GO GO!’ Every time he watches the ducks flying high over the backyard in their V and make sure I see them too and get excited about it with him. I’d never forgive myself to not be by his side during those moments I’ll never get back or have again.

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