Undeserving

It’s a feeling I’ve been hanging on to for a while.

My friends and family get so upset when I tell them that I feel undeserving. Undeserving of something really good.

It’s really been the one negative emotion that I haven’t been able to shake thus far. I guess this is what people might mean when they say ‘damaged’? The extreme end of humility. Feeling undeserving is my biggest insecurity… possibly my only one left of the many that were instilled within me, so I’d say that’s a good thing.

One of my friends told me that she’d rather me end up with a fairytale life than her if she could choose between since I deserve it.

Another became upset once when I referred to ‘the situation I got myself into,’ refusing to agree with me that that’s actually what happened. It wasn’t a choice I made, she said. And that I deserve such goodness and someone special.

Tears have streamed down their faces because of my expression, so immediately I regretted sharing.

(I have some pretty amazing friends.)

In my mind and heart, I’m undeserving, but I am also okay. I do want to eventually feel deserving, of course. But I don’t know what it’s going to take. A final transition within myself probably, but how do I get there?

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