La La Land

Once upon a time I lived in a fantasy world. I lived in the idea of what my life was instead of what it was in actuality. I wasn’t responsible for much, and I didn’t need to feel responsible either. I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t driven. I was settled, floating in self-induced ignorance and bliss.

One sorry excuse for that special person inside I repeatedly suppressed. I was missing out but didn’t realize it- that wasn’t until the idea of my life met my life all in a matter of a few minutes.

Talk about one major reality check. One severe reprimand for careless, depth-deprived and naive decisions that got me there. Then came the repercussions. Depression and anxiety disorders. The two of them sure can tango.

La La Land proved to be sad. That castle made of candy was a mirage of my own. If you had asked me while I was living there, I probably could have told you I could taste it because that’s how real it seemed.

These days I look at it with a grateful heart, a humbled heart. I’m thankful that everything happened the way it did. Ironic how sometimes those who you’re “supposed” to be angry at turn out to be the people you could thank the most. Yes, I put a could in there. I haven’t exactly done that.

Lots of people look (or did look before I began my blog) at my situation with pity- don’t. These days I look at it with full retrospective knowledge, and I got what was bound to happen. Like I said, careless decisions. Sometimes following your heart and carelessness go hand in hand, unfortunately. Punishment? Eh, I don’t like the concept of it. Karma? Not so much either. It’s more of a cause-and-effect type of relationship.

La La Land is no more. I live in what’s real every day, little by little unsuppressing that once-suppressed person. Close my eyes and listen to my breath. I’m here, in the now. I’m not wrapped up in an idea, not putting on a show that I don’t know I’m putting on. I speak slower, I mean every word in full. Listen, and feel everyone else’s words resonate. Feel liberated. Take it all in. Exhale. Be alive. Be me.

“There’s something liberating about not pretending.”-Drew Barrymore

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