Would you have filed for divorce if Holden wasn’t in the picture?
I was asked this recently. But I had been asked that a million times over before- always immediately replying no, justifying my rationale. I filed for divorce so that Holden wouldn’t grow up in an environment where he was learning THIS is what love and marriage look like. He deserved so much better. Had he not been in the picture, I probably would have tried to work on things, having one less person to make decisions for. One less, more important person at that. Holden is more important than myself. Holden being present made me make that decision a strong one- both for him and myself.
So many of these words scrolled across my mind as I found myself struggling to answer the question this time. Why was it a difficult question to answer all of a sudden?
Eventually, though, I answered. I’m not sure.
A couple days passed and I re-thought about it. The me-now would have still filed for divorce. Given the same situation. I would have done that thing I never thought I would have or hoped to have- divorced. (Insert earlier blog post comment here: I believe in marriage. I believe it is a sacred thing and is indissoluble. My faith understands that marriage ‘is an enduring and exclusive partnership for the giving and receiving of love and the procreation and education of children.’ I agree with that, and I would go even further in my own definition.) Even without a baby, Holden in the picture. The me-now thinks of myself as valuable enough to stand up for what I believe in. To make a better life for myself- with baby or babyless.
I don’t know what brought about this change of mind in me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting stronger as an individual every day, think more of myself now than I ever used to, becoming more liberalized in decision-making. Who knows… but, what I do know is that I would have never gotten to, or started reaching for, a level of self-respect that is sacred enough without having gone through all that I did. So I’m thankful.
Maybe it had something to do with the person asking the question this time, maybe not.