Baby fever

There’s a new ultra-sound picture on my newsfeed almost daily.

Is everyone pregnant these days or is it just me?

It seems to be any time I sign onto my facebook account, one more friend is announcing their big news. That sweet little side-profile snapshot of baby about 14-20 weeks old is heart-warming. I so vividly remember seeing Holden’s face on that screen, falling in love at first sight.

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Holden at 12 weeks

Once finding out I was pregnant, though terrified, I was instilled with an unconditional want to be good for baby. I recount the feeling of being so ‘special.’ Walking a little more carefully, taking pride in what I ate knowing it was feeding baby. Well, gaining 40+ pounds… I didn’t want my baby to starve! Who counted anyway? Just like the decision to later divorce was, in my mind, primarily for Holden, so to was any decision I made while pregnant. All for Holden.

The endless memories of pregnancy fill my mind and heart as I see my friends all celebrating their own. I guess I’ve gotten to the age where some of these friends are now expecting their second and thirds! Many of whom their first is Holden’s age. That’s when it hits me. Holden is no longer a baby. Holden is a little boy, old enough to be a big brother.

As I sit and scroll through the sonogram pictures and typingCongratulations! (and meaning it, promise.), I think about how different life would be if Holden had a sibling on the way.

It’s not that this hasn’t crossed my mind millions of times before. It has. During my Dark Ages, this was a thought that coincided with any other depressing thought. When I originally got married, I wanted 3-4 kids. Boy, that’s changed. Holden isn’t going to grow up with a sibling– most of my beloved childhood memories included my own brothers and sister. I yearned for the confidence that he wasn’t going to grow up solely.

But nowadays, the repeated new baby announcement makes my wonderment so much more apparent. Apparent, but that baby fever of my own is not there. Not right now at least.

At the end of the day, my heart is filled with so much joy knowing my only son, my two-year old is sound asleep in his crib dreaming of yogurt-covered raisins and cheese puffs. I am so content right now knowing Holden is my one and only, but there’s obvious hope that he may not be forever. However, it exhausts me to imagine handling more than one as I look down at my legs full of fresh bruises daily. So for now, I’m good.

And my heart is filled with so much joy also knowing my friends will soon enough experience the unmatched love a child brings to a parent. I truly did not know what love was until Holden came into my life.

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