Never wake a sleeping baby. Ever heard of that saying? I’d like to extend it. Never wake a sleeping baby, especially if that baby has turned into a whopping 36-lb toddler boy. One that has recently picked up the nick-name “Bam-Bam” for obvious reasons.
The little big man of my life made two-and-a-half yesterday. And as a gift to me, he slept in this morning. Til 8:30. That’s…kindofabigdeal. Kind of a big deal when your normal sleeping in time is 7:00. Never woke that sleeping baby. So, let the dogs out. Even made myself a little coffee. Sat at the computer. And listened for the “Mama! Mama!” coming from Holden’s room that didn’t commence for the next hour and a half. I had all the time in the world.
I spent my time re-reading over many of my previous blog posts. I reminisced. Let my mind wander. It was then I realized I had started up this blog a little over a year ago, when I became strong enough to share my story. That story that had just begun when I decided to leave my marriage the year before that. When Holden was only five-months-old. They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone right? Couldn’t be truer with my own story. Hence an early post, Let Life Begin.
Like this morning, and time again when I get a few extra minutes here and there I do the same thing. Re-read over earlier posts. Remind myself where I had been. Where I was and where I am now. This blog has become my journal. My public diary per say. I had originally been given the advice to write things down way back when. During my depression, my Dark Ages. I’m so glad I did. Though I thought it would be at least therapeutic for me, it became so much more than that as time moved along. It’s become an outlet for writers and readers alike. People alike. People who I knew or didn’t, hadn’t heard from in years, or was hearing from for the first time. To know my own story, my own experiences were touching those around, was something I had hoped for but didn’t expect. In all sorts of ways I didn’t expect. This blog has given my story more reason as to why things have happened the way they did more than I had figured out on my own before writing it. Does that make sense? Probably not. But you get the picture. Maybe. Hopefully.
Where I am now is different from where I was when I began my blog a year ago. And where I was when I began it sure as all get out wasn’t where I was the year before that. What I know now about being a parent, what I know now about life, and what I know now about love surely couldn’t have become known until I was ready for it. By no means am I perfect, by no means am I the best mom, sister, daughter, friend, or girlfriend. But what I am is raw, really trying at this game of life, utilizing what I’ve learned to help myself, and ultimately and hopefully, help others too. Kind of like the general purpose of this blog right?
What I’d like to do with the blog from here on out is just move forward, leave the rest behind. Leave the long and winding journey behind. Write in the now. My life is full of joy. I know that has a lot to do with choosing happiness, which is one choice I believe we all have power in making. Sometimes it just takes that long and winding road to figure out how to choose it.
One day I’m going to give my writings to Holden. Somehow compile them. Along with the messages, notes, emails from my readers. Show him what his story has done for others, how he had affected others before he could even say a word. Yep. I’ll do this one day. When he’s at a good age, maybe even a day when he’s interested in what Mama has to say. I can’t imagine that’s any time soon. Probably thirty years from now. When he’s 32 and a half.