You were meant to be here. You are enough.
I didn’t see it coming. I had no time to prepare. For someone who prides herself on resiliency, every now and then when something catches me off guard it happens. The lump in my throat. The shake of my knees. There was no stopping the water from welling in my lower lids. Boy did I make a silly first impression on my new classmate sitting next to me as the words came out like vomit. “I’m so embarrassed!” The more I tried to resist, the faster the tears fell. And, the most objective thing about me is that I’m an ugly crier. Boogers and all. (Having a toddler boy sort of makes me feel less vulgar in saying “boogers” out loud.)
Great. Exactly what I didn’t mean to happen. I guess though, the earlier I became vulnerable the better. Just didn’t think it would happen this soon.
She hit the nail on the head, my new professor. With a few short comments at the end of that class, I was sold. She said the words of something I fully believed in myself, but to hear it come from someone else overwhelmed me. To know that someone who barely knew me (or knew me more than I thought she did) fully believed in what I was doing there. Someone completely out of my support system, the team that had been built up around me during my major life transition. Confidence in that I was there to start what I was meant to do. Sounds like a fairytale, but I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.
I’m two weeks into graduate school, hence the hiatus in my blog. While there is much ambiguity right now as I am still in the early phases of trying to figure out how to manage the workload while balancing the rest of my life with the biggest part, parenting Holden, I’ve never been more certain of my life at the same time.
Certain of the string of decisions that has led me to this spot: believing I was meant to be here. Right now, right where I am and what I am doing, learning. Certainty is a great feeling, I have to admit. And anything leftover that is uncertain in my environment now holds a key of excitement, thrill. I don’t need to have every answer like I used to. I can let the cards fall as they may.
Because what I do know now is that I was meant to be here. And I’m hoping for Holden to one day have that same degree of certainty in everything he does as well.