A Reason

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“And I think the biggest honor he could receive is knowing just how much of an impact he made on me… so that I too could come into somebody special’s life who had a child and be all that I could be knowing I had him as an example.”

He was referring to his own step-dad. During an impromptu speech during a big night dedicated to him, some months ago.

The parallels between our two worlds lined up so purposefully. I have the reason as to why everything happened that did happen. All the answers I longed to conquer became unnecessary in a matter of conversations. And had I not gone through what I did… something that came so close to ruining me altogether, I would not have been the person he needed too.

I just can’t quite put into words the effect he has had on our life. Holden and I’s lives. My family’s life.

I’d been meaning to write about him for some time now. To proclaim my happy ending, to share my own Cinderella story. So often I found myself questioning, “why me?” throughout our relationship. Because truly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But still, the timing had to be right. The promise had to be in place I had so hoped for since first realizing this was one special person. The bond between he and Holden had to be of the most natural occurrence and respect for each other. Nothing forceful, only introduced with openness and love.

It takes one incredible person to enter into somebody’s life and openly accept a life that was broken, damaged. To dust me off and find beauty in the pain. A power to heal the wounds, a power to inspire and encourage to become all that I’m capable of, something he knew before I did.

And it takes an even more extraordinary person to become and fulfill that which was missing in a little boy’s life… Holden’s very own Kick.

I couldn’t have created nor prayed for anything better than this. And I feel like our happily ever after is just beginning.

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Revelation

I was informed of something yesterday. Something I knew I would have to face in the future and had been prepared to do for quite some time. Something I may have even been looking forward to? Only, once being informed of it, it had been 2 years in the making.

Revelation.

Makes more sense now in the eyes of retrospect.

All this time I didn’t know. Feeling somewhat deceived, but in a much different way this time. Suppressing the all-too-familiar anxiety-ridden symptoms I battled with in my past. During this particular past, what I had found out about (yesterday) was in full swing ahead. Shock.

Something that started way earlier than I would have expected, but something I found out about way later than I expected.

Coping strategies are in place now for being thrown curve balls these days. This sure was one, a big one. And I’d imagine it will be for some time, being it’s been in place now for 2 years. It will continue to be in place.

An impending threat? Not really.

Just an adjustment, I guess. An openness, again, that I had been prepared to have. Only having to somehow conceptualize that it’s been taking place already. That there is and has been presence in Holden’s life that I didn’t know about.

How difficult it is for me to pull down the guard around him as a mother I work so hard to keep in place… knowing it hasn’t been present in certain situations for all this time. How vulnerable I need to be. When Holden is away from me, I have to let go of it. Let him be, let him learn, let him explore.

Until he’s back in my arms. Pull the guard right back up again.

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