I have been wanting to do this for some time now, but I wasn’t sure quite how. All it will take are a few clicks, yes that’s how. But how to communicate the feeling beneath what I need to say has been the task. It’s been the challenge and the privilege of this outlet with every post.
Ending this blog has been decision that in time I knew I would get to. Even though my gut has been leading me elsewhere for quite some time, hence the posts few and far between. However, there are much, much bigger decisions to be made in life than this. When one book closes, thousands are waiting to be opened. I’m ready to walk into that library.
For the past few years I have found a voice through my story thus far, Holden’s story, or really, my story with Holden in it. I’ve cried, laughed, been angered and frustrated with, felt relief throughout, expressed my shame, as well as felt unconditional gratefulness all while typing out this journey of willed freedom in words. And not that there is anything truly special or unique about my own particular journey through finding identity in grasping the label of a single mom. We are a dime a dozen after all. Both unfortunately and fortunately.
My intentions of this blog evolved throughout the time I wrote these posts. At first, maybe a stance. Other times, sharing for family and friends geographically distant. Later, vulnerability. Connection then became intention that I didn’t know I needed at the time, unbeknownst to me initially. The responses from people who found it, or who I invited to read, became the food to feed what I needed during this phase in my life. The phase that I defined by confusion, superlative thoughts, growth, and setbacks. The phase that I could learn and grow from during because I was so supported by all those validating and sharing with me as well.
I am in a better place every day. I have been for a while. But that doesn’t mean I’m done having some hard days forever. And having those days don’t mean that I’m not okay either. I’m actually quite”good.” But as my days unfold, I continue to over-think, sometimes take things personally, and acknowledge the hurt (too much) when it surfaces. Often I get tired of being strong. Often I need validation. I’ve learned though the experience of handling my own that when one isn’t there to validate, you must validate yourself. What a gift of self-love and what a strength to shine. And one that feels impossible to gift yourself when getting caught up in that shame cycle all over again. Something I learned along the way. It’s a daily decision to let go but only hold on when I need to, and not just what I want to. Little by little I am still continuing to learn how it is okay to ask for help and let love in for both my child and myself.
For many, many reasons, this chapter is coming to an end. Because I am now married and because I am turning thirty this year, it is no longer authentic to keep using this title to write anyway (haha). To keep finding identity in a situation that first began this blog some time ago. Situationally, it’s different now. My life is full of so much love when I allow it. Life seems to be an organism, both changing its environment and its environment changing it. Constantly evolving. Though I can no longer classify myself with this title in genuine authenticity, lingering lessons of this time in my life remain. I know this much remains true:
To let go of responsibility of my child and to accept help will be both a challenge and triumph when I decide to do it. To not feel the need to constantly be “on” is very close to impossible for now. To soften the need of feeling completely responsible for my family takes time. To not instantly feel rejection during times when it really isn’t has become a new language that I am still learning. To constantly oscillate between wondering if some of my own needs are important enough or not-so-important-enough before deciding to advocate for them, and even after I advocate for them, will remain an internal conflict. Carefully calculating every decision I make and not allowing myself to let go and just “be” had become my philosophy that still gives me a run. I am aware of all of this. And I am committed to gratitude for what I have in my life. Because what I do have is love. And what I have had all along is love.
Single-motherhood or just being human? Probably both.
And what else I know to be true is this: Holden is thriving. In all of his environments. He is loved by so many and the healing continues. Every day.